It hurts ...

most people think being teachers are easy. people can just simply send notes/memos/letters to you, your colleagues, your head or your dean complaining the deterioration of the students' writing quality. have these note/memo/letter writers had a minute spent to think of the reasons instead of simply sending complaints like they are that GOOD? i had a hard time today thinking what are there in the brains of my 18 ECONS/HS students. I have been so unhappy with their quality of writing. all they do is repeating the same old mistakes which have been emphasized, highlighted, explained, clarified, highlighted, explained, clarified and these same old same old steps are being repeated like an old broken transistor. what am i doing and what am i thinking? am i the idiot? am i the one who has been the pushy teacher who expects too much from their students when they can barely realize the existence the terms such as plural and singular? have they in their almost-15-years studying English come across these terms? what were they doing for the past 11 years of learning English? Is it my fault that they cannot catch up with the pace? or is it our fault in CELPAD that these students can barely write a single sentence that is grammatically correct? all i have is questions, i have no answers, no solutions and in fact no motivation and inspiration to do this anymore, am just drained, weary, worn out, shattered and most of all too frustrated. i for the past 3 weeks, i stood like an idiot in front of a group of people, who do not even bother to appreciate a single thing, who do not even care what they are doing, why there are there and where they are going ... i am the idiot one who thinks more than i should .. i worry to much about people who do not even care about themselves, starting tomorrow, all i am to care about is me, my study, my life, my project paper, my happiness my heart, myself .. all about my, my, my ... P/S : to those people who were just born to complain abt English teachers, you are most welcome to come and teach, feel it yourself plus before complaining, why don't you observe yourself or your staff whether their ENGLISH IS GOOD!

A Quick Thinking and A Teacher ...

I was invited by a college mate to conduct a workshop on MUET Speaking Paper on April 4th .. I was supposed to facilitate two groups; Session I - 830 - 10am and Session II 1030-12pm. I had a great time giving briefing to the first group, however in the second group I had 2 students who aged far older than I am. I wasn't very happy with their presence but what to do, I wasn't the organiser. Facing this two souls wasn't something I like. In the workshop, I had to butter the class up with a few dumb jokes to keep them 'alive' till 12. These 2 souls weren't very happy when I cracked my first dumb joke. Back to business, I saw a few other souls were yawning, that wasn't a good sign for teachers, don't u think? so I came up with another dumb joke, to my surprise one of the older guys' lips read, "stupid joke!" It wasn't kind to make that remark, was it? Disappointed and annoyed, I told them a story; When I was a MUET assessor, I had a case where I had a candidate who was very stuck up, the way she looked at us the assessors made us sick of her. So I emphasized that what she forgot was, HER MARKS were OUR control! Stating that, I turned to the guy's face and gave him a very 'kind' smile .. Thank GOD, he was good at reading between the lines, since that remark I made, he behaved and gave better attention ... Serve him right!

It's a Sunday .. scandalous Sunday ...

It wasn't the standard Sunday, it's a scurrying Sunday! ... it's the final exam invigilating day ... arrgghhh ... dragging my self to the office at abt 730 with my mates Zareen n Narmee, we tried to cheer ourselves up (definitely we failed...). The exam started at 9am and I was the Listening Test Chief Invigilator. There were 4 sessions of almost 170 students at 1 go ... The work was supposed to be kinda of light withe the help of a few other teachers and SIX exam assistants. We started a bit off the time, as usual actually due to the sound system problems. It wasn't the work that pissed me off BUT THE students and THE exam assistants. FIRSTLY; The Students The ones who sat for the exam today were the graduating students of English Component Courses. Despite graduating, SOME of these people acted as though they were barbaric who had never sat for any exam before.The first seating were BEN and ECONS students, followed by some ECONS and LAWS students, HS, BAR n IRK students. The first three seatings were very torturing n patient testing as the students were noisy, didn't listen toi instructions and SOME were even rude. I made a very clear arrangement in the hall so that later I didn't have problems sorting and distributing the papers. YET, some of THESE humans were half monkeys .. they were making so much noise, booing when I called in according to courses. I was DAMN pissed. So, I told them I HAVE the AUTHORITY to KICK their *ss OUT of the hall. Then only they were quiet for A MOMENT ... IDIOTS! and I did even tell them to GET LOST if they wanna make noise ... I wishI could slap SOME of THOSE faces with my sandals!!!! There were also who didn't understand ENGLISH. When I asked to stop, they kept on writing, only then when I yelled in BAHASA that they did actually stop ... What the HECK? Datang poyo gila mcm bagus sgt, mcm flying colours, tetiba tak paham ENGLISH, takkan lulus kan?! Hmmm ... I just don't understand SOME of these ARROGANT PIGS!The way they looked at us teachers as though they were graduating a TRIPLE PhD theses ... what a disenchantment! Regardless of these, I was happy to see my IRK students who are now becoming more matured and polite ... (I love them ALL so much!) SECONDLY; The Exam Assistants They were tremendously SLOW at doing work ... getting n digesting instructions and EVERYTHING ... to those in charge PLEASE! I don't need many, but I need the SUPER COST-EFFECTIVE one/ones ... if not, better don't pay them ..

It's the End ...

Every time fresh semester commences in campus, it is very odd that an instructor would meet the same bunch. Unless you are in school teaching a class of form 5 students who could be your form 4 students, the likelihood is doubtful. The 2nd semester of 08/09 academic year in campus was kind of distressing for me, 1st because of the many holidays which were making me even lazier to work and 2nd, the students themselves (not all but some, yet these few lots were killing my senses!!). This time round I was set to tutor 1 group for Writing Component (G17 BEN Level 5), 2 groups for Listening/Speaking Component (G10 BEN Level 6, G25 LAWS Level 5) and 1 group for Reading Component (G15 BEN Level 5)(my weakest ability *sigh*). This was the very first experience I would have with students from the most-talked courses for being overconfident and toffee-nosed, (for what particular reasons are very debatable). In the next stops, I would depict each and every group frankly. I would frankly state what I like and what I don’t and I hope it would be enough to make them think and decide how to act in the coming semester … Good Luck!

The Final Friday ...

The semester has ended. Something that we've all been waiting for. After the Hisbah Dinner I decided to go out for lunch with my Writing Group, the gals outing. The 1st day of revision day, we had a good time having steamy steamboat lunch in Mentari Court Sunway ... It was worth waiting! I had great time with the gals. We went for some shopping in Sunway Pyramid and was too knackered by 5. We all made our way home ... I luv ya gals! C u next sem ... Gud luck in your final exam!

The Marking Seatings ...

Marking ... (1st seating) it's 1.15am, i only completed 1 but my head is already spinning and i am in a very foul mood. how can i not be foul when my instructions were very clear but there IS one, one particular soul who has just had to go against them, 1 particular soul who loves to negotiate my instructions ... this time, i'm gonna strike! Dear MY students, please be informed/well-informed that I HATE students who like to alter schedules/instructions that i gave earlier. never make any changes to my prior arrangement for any stupid reasons but death, fall flat in the hospital or anything of par, if not, don't you all dare!!!! Marking …

(2nd seating)
11am – 1pm
When I started I intended to complete at least 5 … thank God I managed despite the throbbing headache after the 2nd essay... how can my head stay rational and calm if the essays have no focus and were flowered with the silliest mistake students can make in their 13th year of English learning … imagine marking essays where students just couldn’t find the tempo of having their subject-verb-agreement placed appropriately in a sentence … 10 000 times telling them is just like talking to the deaf, dead walls … I don’t wanna care anymore, if the want good marks they just have to do something about it themselves, I quit telling the same things over and over again …
P/s: this bunch doesn’t have enough vocabulary despite having learned the language for almost 13 bl**dy years!!!! Almost everything that is not good, is bad … aren’t there any other vocab for BAD???!!!

Marking (3rd seating)
530pm – 750pm
I started with the word ‘bad’ again... it could be found just every where … am tired of reading that word … through with 3, my headache came back .. I am really sick of reading essays that are written using ‘kepala lutut’ instead of the ‘kepala’ the place where the brain is supposed to be... these students were writing for the sake of writing … it as though they haven’t seen this language in their live .. it seems that they are writing in an alien language … urrghh … don’t think will give them good marks … they are very lazy when it comes to reading, that’s why the essays s*ck!!!!!!
I wish I could just ignore the essays, let them write the way they want it to be, but I could, my conscience is killing me, it was the conscience that keeps me going... oh God, give me strength to finish the sh*tty job!!!!  (am depressed!!!)
2 more to complete this seating... in and out it was just reading the same boring and brain-torturing essays. The only difference was the name of the writer, in other aspects they are all the same, the main idea is killing my brain cells … urrghhh … can I kill them??!! Marking (4th seating – the final one! YES!!) 830pm – 1000pm
Despite being much traumatized with the essays, I forced myself to complete the last five, I don’t want to drag it till Sunday, don’t want to wake up Monday in a very foul mood! GOD, help me finish this!!
May Allah pay them well for their laziness and for torturing my brain …

Err ... who's the teacher here?

Came in early, planned to read but as usual failed … felt like knocking my head with the book I was supposed to work with ..  had 1 student coming to discuss problem in the dormitory .. 110pm, while talking to the girl, my phone buzzed …
“Madam, am X, my group is supposed to come at 130 right?”
What the … am I your PA?! Man …
“why?”
“can I come at 2? I have something to do”
I was already pissed with the call, now he added the salt to the wound … B* H*, didn’t the schedule was made a WEEK earlier …
“then you don’t have to come, don’t have to do” I hung up, didn’t plan to throw the phone the wall …
I kept talking to the girl and somebody knocked on my door … I hadn’t collected the questions as I didn’t plan to assess that boy …
I kept them waiting about 10mins looking for the ACC who was seem to be MIA lately … very busy with her Master’s classes I think … don’t care …
We started at 2 and this boy with his sharp tongue, rudely commented;
“mcm mana ni Madam, kata ikut time, ni dah pukul 2 tak start jugak”
I felt my heart dropped to my feet .. so cold blooded this dude … I stared at his face;
“sapa suruh datang? I told you not to come right?”
He smiled, cheeky one … felt like slapping his face and threw him out of my office … thank God for the ½ teas spoon patience left …
“what was the reason u wanted to postpone?” wasn’t satisfied, he had to be put back to where he belongs.
“emergency case”
“what?”
“my parents came … “
Why? Is there death?” Cabul mulut aku nih …
“xde la, saje melawat”
Seriously this time I could imagine him kicked out the door …
“then, it’s not emergency ..to me emergency is death or anything of at par” giving him the most annoying look I can give … he needed to know, I AM THE teacher …
After he went off I still couldn’t have this hatred and regret of having him as a student of mine subsided … wish I could kick him out of my face and out of my life …
Thank God I put him first … so I could get rid of him from the beginning haha … I continued the day happily and left at 5pm but I kept thinking on how to send this boy back to where he belongs again and again … like the ping pong ball … (devilish laugh!)

The other Monday ...

The most waited day this week … am going to give my piece of mind to THEM … it’s been 2 weeks and it seems forever for me .. I hate this .. they just don’t learn unless I blow them up … I walked up the class on level 2 at about 830 … everybody was in the class already. I wanted to do the practice, but a neighboring class was also practicing… the timing couldn’t be any better … I asked them to form a U shape, standing … I gave them a 20 minute unwanted, unwelcome sermon, they asked for it, I could be more willing than to give … finally I made the guilty one stood in a group that I called ‘the people I don’t like’ … I knew it harsh but that was the only way to give them a lifetime lesson … I told them I would send them to the CC for the group discussion assessment, what else could they say right? The only thing that they could do was looked down to their feet.
I was ok right after the sermon, they should have asked for that last week, they wouldn’t have to go through h*ll … they were scared of my aura .. what the ….
2nd class in the evening was less depressing because they are the bunch of lower ability, so they know where they stand instead of two foreigners .. don’t care anyways … they met me for group presentation practice .. with that I ended my Monday.

The Guilt ...

my wednesdays class is 11am, i didn't take the bus today, i had to leave early, i had something to do. i drove to office and arrived at about 1010am ... i had to see a student regarding her essay. dropping by the main office, i met the head to discuss my new task and my new room. i decided to move up tomorrow. not that i could not wait to leave the room, but i don't feel comfortable having students with me with the questions around. 1030, i hurried to my office, my student was already standing in front of my door, apologizing, i invited her in. we sat and talked about a few things and i decided to make her have weekly consultation. after we were done, i asked her to go back to class and discussed the possible points for the essay, i wanted to take a light breakfast which was already on my table. after 10 minutes, i dropped by zeti's room, returning the apple and the chocolate bar with a note; (thank you for the effort but no thanks. the sharp pain that is piercing your heart now is what i felt that sunday and the wound is still there) i know, i am harsh, i am drama queen, i am emotional but i have my reasons, only the born dumb would not be able to see why i acted that way .. hhhmmm ... then, i rushed to the class and the issue of THE students was raised. i felt that it would be the right time for me to say what i felt. it did actually send shiver to some who felt that they were naughty in my class, but i told them that, it would be better if my students made me mad, but don't hurt my feeling because that would be the turning point, the full stop of everything. hurt is like cutting yourself, you can stop the bleeding, but you can never scrub off the scar ... I left the class at about 1245, along the way driving, it came to me the thought i might affect THE students' life a lot, yeah, i know but to me until the guilty ones come and see me, i will stand my words. after my errands, i arrived home at about 530, i took a long rest. after maghrib, a text was received; "salam, madam, i really hope u can forgive me due to my stupid behaviour that has caused u such trouble. you can scold me if you want to, because i deserve it. i'm really afraid that u didn't forgive me, the knowledge u gave me is not 'berkat'. please don't say it is 2 late, i rally hope you can forgive me and give me the 2nd chance." again? i contemplated, to answer or to ignore ... "who is the idiot who asked u 2 postpone? i know it wasn't u .. y do u hav 2 do on behalf of other ppl?! i hate that .." just being me, couldn't help but felt sorry.. " i rather not say their names but please forgive me and them, i'm really feeling depressed rite now" urrghh ...but i added salt the wound ... "then, i will stick 2 what i say. full stop. period." "will u forgive me?" would love to reply NO instead; "until d guilty ones c me, NO ONE is forgiven." i thought no more text would come, but to my surprise this came in, it wasn't meant for me but Allah maha berkuasa ... i don't punish them for fun, but for reasons and they are VALID reasons ... " salam, XXXX, mdm tahu ada org yg mntk aku tanya dia hr tu. dia ckp slg yg x bersalah x mntk maaf, semua x dimaafkan..." "ok .. thanks for listening.." This i knew, was meant for me ... so i kept quiet. reading the 2nd last text, pissed me off again, i was right. the guilty ones are possibly a few girls. to these girls, until you see me, you can pray all you can, hide all you can, but believe me, the price that will cost you later, wouldn't be affordable and bearable by you .. this is not a curse, but a reminder, the lesson learnt, will be there in your memory forever, and everytime you think about it, you will feel a sharp pain piercing your heart and regret will follow.

Leave me alone ...

i clocked in early today, very early in fact. my class won't start until 3pm but because of some other work and marking to be done, i clocked in 830am. i managed to complete whatever i planned, alhamdulillah ... so i started planning my class at 3. since TICE is just around the corner, i thought today would be the best time to see them face to face to highlight their weaknesses. so i sent a text to the class rep requesting them to come earlier in 3s for the consultation. We agreed to start the class earlier abt 215. and so it went on ... while i was discussing with my 2nd group of students, zeti buzzed my on ym .. "hey, THOSE students want to see you" I felt the anger rose in me... "no, thanks .. " "they are really sorry, they want to see you and give you something" "no, thanks but i don't want and don't want to see them ... " " jgn la macam tu, kesian diaorg ni aku tgk, ada yg nangis2 dah .. " " don't care .. " the screen went still ... i continued the discussion until the last group came in, zeti buzzed me again ... "sorry but i did ask them to keep trying and i told them you will yell at them" " don't care, datang la, i will bang the door on their faces" 430, i finished my class and zeti came down. " are you serious about your decision?" "yes." "kesian la kat diaorg, ada sorang dah nangis bengkak2 mata" "good ... they need the lesson" she slowly push the apple and chocolate bar on my table ... "they want to give you these" "thanks, i don't want. Return them!" "are you serious??!" "i made my decision, and it's final .." i packed and left with the 5pm shuttle. i was very happy to teach them the lesson, i know my way is extreme but they need that, may be not all but some. i just want to forget, forgive, not sure .. let the time decides...

The day ...

I woke up early. Too early in fact, 430am. Too much grudge over THE students. While in the university bus, I kept on thinking how should I react in the class. My first idea was to give them a Monday sermon of respecting teachers and people. I kept holding to that thought. Upon arriving, I prepared myself for class and while walking to class, another thought came. Why should I waste my energy talking to 'things' that do not understand simple language and human talking? "so, better keep my mouth shut". I stepped into the class at about 850, carrying the pile of reading mid sem papers to be marked. I gave my salam, gave out the attendance list and sat down. I started marking without looking at THEM. To my surprise, there were some which did not understand the meaning of my silence. Girls especially started to discuss things, to chit chat and rudely to giggle. I kept my patience at a high point until a giggle disturbed my peace. "If you want to make noise, GET OUT of my class" The giggle subsided and I continued marking. After an hour and a half, I stood up and walked out. To me, I won today's battle, the battle to stay patient and rational. In my next class, I explained to my other group the difference between a teacher and a student, making them aware of the price of not respecting teachers is DOOM. P/S: don't mess with my life because once you did, I will turn your life upside down ... Let the blood washes the brain and helps it function!

That Monday ...

It wasn't a good day today. Me with the women thing, the remaining essays and THE students, GOSH! it wasn't even Monday, it was a bliss Sunday eve that they shoke my peace! I woke up a bit late, nine-ish, too lazy to do things, I continued LOTR the last pair of DVDs. Finished that at about 2, I was sleepy again, tired... I dozed off while marking my final 4 essays. The weather was cool, slept for about 2 hours. When I woke up about 4 for lunch, I received a msg; "Salam, Mdm, when is our debate?" Idiot. "2molo" Then followed by, "Sorry Mdm, can we postpone? Some of us aren't prepared yet" I didn't reply for sometime, must think of something nice to say to this hurt. After an hour later, " Since all of u r very bz, we dun hav to postpone, call it off and i give up teaching ur claz, we go to claz, u do ur work, i do mine, i only owe u 2 assessments. " PERIOD. Am done with them, I hate them. Took my bath, completed marking and watched boring shows on TV. Another sms came in, from a different person saying sorry, hoping that I wasn't mad .. Urgghhh! They just added salt to the wound. One interesting line " we'll be debating tomorrow whatever happen" Anything can happen i.e me walking out of class when they are debating? Nice. "Am not interested to listen." There, gone, silenced. Refusing to surrender, another came in; "Salam Mdm, am really2 sorry if my request is too much, very very sorry" HUH... "too late" Finally, they are quiet and am pissed! These are my students this year. The only bunch that has really put me in wrath almost all the time when dealing with them. I have had studentssssssss in my career path, but these ones r different, THEREFORE, am going to treat them differently, the way they asked for and the way it has always been should be.. Welcome Monday ... there's a deal I need to seal!

Give Up?

I was so determined yesterday that I could finish the last 10 essays, but to my surprise, I did only 2 ..how pathetic! It wasn't me who was pathetic!! It was the essays!!! I've read almost 20 essays and these students were actually making the same simple silly mistakes! In and out, there were the same mistakes, singular subject, plural verb, singular article/determiner to plural noun .. arghhh! Adios for today. Would try again tomorrow, better spend time watching LOTR (for the sixth time in 2 years, just love the movie)

The Art of Marking ...

To me, marking is just like men ... can't live with it and can't live without it (LOL!) Even during this break, am taking a pile and a half home, in case am bored, or feeling like being mad at something. i started marking 2 days ago, 5 - 7 essays a day. I am not happy. This sem, am teaching writing skills to BEN students, but to my disappointment, a few were not serious about writing and the language. They called themselves BEN students, but grammar wise, down the drain. They can't simply put in their mind that in every sentence, a subject must be followed by a verb, in every sentence, the verb must agree with the subject. My wish today, before the TICE comes along, these have already been checked in their minds!