The Extraordinary Excursion ...

I woke up sharp six. I was anxious since last night. The idea of waking up late and missing the bus on the day before kind of haunted me. I was supposed to lead my beloved, young, vibrant and extremely cheerful kids to an excursion to PWTC. We planned to have a day out at the KL International Book Fair 2009. It was the 2nd for me and the 1st for them. They were 16 of them. All were very thrilled, thrilled to be out of the campus, excited to experience a journey together. We arrived even before the exhibition hall was opened. As soon as we stepped forward, the door was opened. It was magnificent. It was just like the door to heaven and beyond the magnificent door, there stood shelves of books of different colours, types, topics, publishers and all. Everyone was amazed. Not to say the lost ones. Too many to visit, too short of the time, they stood, confused. I was amazed myself, again. I told them that they were given 2 hours to venture through, “don’t let the amazement conquer and hold your feet still”. They moved. I lost track of them, lost myself among the books. I felt like buying everything, but I decided to buy nothing. I walked and walked around, a synopsis after the other. None has actually managed to seize my attention. I was actually looking for either Sidney Sheldon’s or Cathy Glass’s. None was in view. Therefore, I did think I should waste no money. I walked again. There stood the RM15 only shelf. Man! I wasn’t sure about the books seizing my attention, but the price surely did! I stopped by, browsed through a few books. At first I decided on 4. Browsed again, naahhhh! Just 2. I haven’t heard of these writers. I just assumed they were good because of the synopsis. Ok, am done and ready to go. I paid and followed 2 other colleagues looking for their other books. Am done. Nothing more. Once, everyone was about to finish, I informed the bus driver to fetch us at the point he dropped us. We left at about 12pm deciding to drop by McD at the highway for lunch. Grabbing our lunch, everyone was quiet enjoying the food. Kids! We arrived soundly at the campus ground at 1pm. It was wonderful. I got to know more childish characters of my students. They look matured yet they are kids, kids in their own way. To me, that excursion, is not like any other excursion, that excursion is an extraordinary excursion.

Soalnya Hati ...

That Monday marked the 5th week of the 3rd semester. Left with more or less 2 weeks, I am at edge of failing. Failing to know my students, failing to inculcate what is there to be inculcated, failing to know where they are, why they are there are the things that I can, in anyway accept. I am an educator, my job is to educate. I wasn’t born to produce inspired intellects or splendid scholars, but I was born to educate my students to be humanistically humans. That’s what I believe. I believe in wholesome development of individuals. What makes us all humans are our fit physical being, sensible mental being, strong spiritual being and educated intellectual being. I do not ask for much, I only ask for balance of those 4. I don’t expect A’s from them, not even B’s. What I yearn for is a pinch of understanding, a teaspoonful of respect and a bowl of open-mindedness. Is it too much to ask? I can’t help but wonder... Every semester I have my very own expectation to meet by the time the semester ends. The same goes with this semester. Since it is the short semester, I would always expect a closer knitted relationship with all my students as they will be with me almost all the time. I will definitely see them more than in the normal semester. The very first time I entered my Reading group (my contact hour with them weekly is 4); I maintained my style, caring yet direct, loving yet very firm. Being so used to the style, I’ve forgotten about the existence of timid students who are scared of stern teachers. I maintained the Reading class with the same style and the same tone. It was however, less than 3 hours of meeting, this group was awfully quiet. The silence was unbearable. At first I thought they were still scared, but after sometimes, I started to get annoyed, irritated and insulted. Tonnes of questions lingered in my brain of many things yet there were no answers. It was so unbearable that I became extremely touchy over little things that happened in the class. Issues like forgetting to realize that the air conditioner should be switched on before I came and having different answers to whether I asked to finish work or not, pissed me dreadfully. These made me monster. I could barely speak as human; all I did was yelling, screaming and shouting, hurting them deeper and deeper. Yet, none actually stood and asked why. During the 4th week, I was drained. I was depressed. Nothing seemed to be at least the hope that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Discussion with the Writing teacher also left me in doubts. Finally I was forced to decide that if in the next meeting, I still fail to explore the core riddle, I just have to resign from teaching the class. I just have to give up and admit that this time round I have failed. After all, there is no success without failure. Wednesday arrived and I dragged myself to class. I gave them their reading paper giving the remark that they scored the worst among the rest. They were depressed, I know. But have they ever thought about me having the same deep depression teaching them? At his point, I had no mercy. Why should I? After all, I treat people the way they treat me. I gave them one final word, if that day they failed to highlight to me the problem, that will the last time they see me in their class. I’m seriously DONE. Why should I care for people who do not care about themselves? Why should I worry about people who wouldn’t appreciate my worry? After less than 10 minutes silence, one by one student who held the guilt of making me annoyed and paranoid explained. Then, I realized, it was their assumptions that made me mad. It was their assumptions that made the class worsen day by day. It was their assumptions that made me make my assumption. After listening to their silenced voices, I was struck actually, struck with my ignorance and insensitivity. After I listened to this timid voices I realized, it was the matter of the heart. When I started to open my heart for them to open their heart, it is the one thing that I overlooked; Soalnya hati....