The Guilt ...

my wednesdays class is 11am, i didn't take the bus today, i had to leave early, i had something to do. i drove to office and arrived at about 1010am ... i had to see a student regarding her essay. dropping by the main office, i met the head to discuss my new task and my new room. i decided to move up tomorrow. not that i could not wait to leave the room, but i don't feel comfortable having students with me with the questions around. 1030, i hurried to my office, my student was already standing in front of my door, apologizing, i invited her in. we sat and talked about a few things and i decided to make her have weekly consultation. after we were done, i asked her to go back to class and discussed the possible points for the essay, i wanted to take a light breakfast which was already on my table. after 10 minutes, i dropped by zeti's room, returning the apple and the chocolate bar with a note; (thank you for the effort but no thanks. the sharp pain that is piercing your heart now is what i felt that sunday and the wound is still there) i know, i am harsh, i am drama queen, i am emotional but i have my reasons, only the born dumb would not be able to see why i acted that way .. hhhmmm ... then, i rushed to the class and the issue of THE students was raised. i felt that it would be the right time for me to say what i felt. it did actually send shiver to some who felt that they were naughty in my class, but i told them that, it would be better if my students made me mad, but don't hurt my feeling because that would be the turning point, the full stop of everything. hurt is like cutting yourself, you can stop the bleeding, but you can never scrub off the scar ... I left the class at about 1245, along the way driving, it came to me the thought i might affect THE students' life a lot, yeah, i know but to me until the guilty ones come and see me, i will stand my words. after my errands, i arrived home at about 530, i took a long rest. after maghrib, a text was received; "salam, madam, i really hope u can forgive me due to my stupid behaviour that has caused u such trouble. you can scold me if you want to, because i deserve it. i'm really afraid that u didn't forgive me, the knowledge u gave me is not 'berkat'. please don't say it is 2 late, i rally hope you can forgive me and give me the 2nd chance." again? i contemplated, to answer or to ignore ... "who is the idiot who asked u 2 postpone? i know it wasn't u .. y do u hav 2 do on behalf of other ppl?! i hate that .." just being me, couldn't help but felt sorry.. " i rather not say their names but please forgive me and them, i'm really feeling depressed rite now" urrghh ...but i added salt the wound ... "then, i will stick 2 what i say. full stop. period." "will u forgive me?" would love to reply NO instead; "until d guilty ones c me, NO ONE is forgiven." i thought no more text would come, but to my surprise this came in, it wasn't meant for me but Allah maha berkuasa ... i don't punish them for fun, but for reasons and they are VALID reasons ... " salam, XXXX, mdm tahu ada org yg mntk aku tanya dia hr tu. dia ckp slg yg x bersalah x mntk maaf, semua x dimaafkan..." "ok .. thanks for listening.." This i knew, was meant for me ... so i kept quiet. reading the 2nd last text, pissed me off again, i was right. the guilty ones are possibly a few girls. to these girls, until you see me, you can pray all you can, hide all you can, but believe me, the price that will cost you later, wouldn't be affordable and bearable by you .. this is not a curse, but a reminder, the lesson learnt, will be there in your memory forever, and everytime you think about it, you will feel a sharp pain piercing your heart and regret will follow.