That Monday marked the 5th week of the 3rd semester. Left with more or less 2 weeks, I am at edge of failing. Failing to know my students, failing to inculcate what is there to be inculcated, failing to know where they are, why they are there are the things that I can, in anyway accept. I am an educator, my job is to educate. I wasn’t born to produce inspired intellects or splendid scholars, but I was born to educate my students to be humanistically humans. That’s what I believe. I believe in wholesome development of individuals. What makes us all humans are our fit physical being, sensible mental being, strong spiritual being and educated intellectual being. I do not ask for much, I only ask for balance of those 4. I don’t expect A’s from them, not even B’s. What I yearn for is a pinch of understanding, a teaspoonful of respect and a bowl of open-mindedness. Is it too much to ask? I can’t help but wonder... Every semester I have my very own expectation to meet by the time the semester ends. The same goes with this semester. Since it is the short semester, I would always expect a closer knitted relationship with all my students as they will be with me almost all the time. I will definitely see them more than in the normal semester. The very first time I entered my Reading group (my contact hour with them weekly is 4); I maintained my style, caring yet direct, loving yet very firm. Being so used to the style, I’ve forgotten about the existence of timid students who are scared of stern teachers. I maintained the Reading class with the same style and the same tone. It was however, less than 3 hours of meeting, this group was awfully quiet. The silence was unbearable. At first I thought they were still scared, but after sometimes, I started to get annoyed, irritated and insulted. Tonnes of questions lingered in my brain of many things yet there were no answers. It was so unbearable that I became extremely touchy over little things that happened in the class. Issues like forgetting to realize that the air conditioner should be switched on before I came and having different answers to whether I asked to finish work or not, pissed me dreadfully. These made me monster. I could barely speak as human; all I did was yelling, screaming and shouting, hurting them deeper and deeper. Yet, none actually stood and asked why. During the 4th week, I was drained. I was depressed. Nothing seemed to be at least the hope that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Discussion with the Writing teacher also left me in doubts. Finally I was forced to decide that if in the next meeting, I still fail to explore the core riddle, I just have to resign from teaching the class. I just have to give up and admit that this time round I have failed. After all, there is no success without failure. Wednesday arrived and I dragged myself to class. I gave them their reading paper giving the remark that they scored the worst among the rest. They were depressed, I know. But have they ever thought about me having the same deep depression teaching them? At his point, I had no mercy. Why should I? After all, I treat people the way they treat me. I gave them one final word, if that day they failed to highlight to me the problem, that will the last time they see me in their class. I’m seriously DONE. Why should I care for people who do not care about themselves? Why should I worry about people who wouldn’t appreciate my worry? After less than 10 minutes silence, one by one student who held the guilt of making me annoyed and paranoid explained. Then, I realized, it was their assumptions that made me mad. It was their assumptions that made the class worsen day by day. It was their assumptions that made me make my assumption. After listening to their silenced voices, I was struck actually, struck with my ignorance and insensitivity. After I listened to this timid voices I realized, it was the matter of the heart. When I started to open my heart for them to open their heart, it is the one thing that I overlooked; Soalnya hati....
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Soalnya Hati ...
That Monday marked the 5th week of the 3rd semester. Left with more or less 2 weeks, I am at edge of failing. Failing to know my students, failing to inculcate what is there to be inculcated, failing to know where they are, why they are there are the things that I can, in anyway accept. I am an educator, my job is to educate. I wasn’t born to produce inspired intellects or splendid scholars, but I was born to educate my students to be humanistically humans. That’s what I believe. I believe in wholesome development of individuals. What makes us all humans are our fit physical being, sensible mental being, strong spiritual being and educated intellectual being. I do not ask for much, I only ask for balance of those 4. I don’t expect A’s from them, not even B’s. What I yearn for is a pinch of understanding, a teaspoonful of respect and a bowl of open-mindedness. Is it too much to ask? I can’t help but wonder... Every semester I have my very own expectation to meet by the time the semester ends. The same goes with this semester. Since it is the short semester, I would always expect a closer knitted relationship with all my students as they will be with me almost all the time. I will definitely see them more than in the normal semester. The very first time I entered my Reading group (my contact hour with them weekly is 4); I maintained my style, caring yet direct, loving yet very firm. Being so used to the style, I’ve forgotten about the existence of timid students who are scared of stern teachers. I maintained the Reading class with the same style and the same tone. It was however, less than 3 hours of meeting, this group was awfully quiet. The silence was unbearable. At first I thought they were still scared, but after sometimes, I started to get annoyed, irritated and insulted. Tonnes of questions lingered in my brain of many things yet there were no answers. It was so unbearable that I became extremely touchy over little things that happened in the class. Issues like forgetting to realize that the air conditioner should be switched on before I came and having different answers to whether I asked to finish work or not, pissed me dreadfully. These made me monster. I could barely speak as human; all I did was yelling, screaming and shouting, hurting them deeper and deeper. Yet, none actually stood and asked why. During the 4th week, I was drained. I was depressed. Nothing seemed to be at least the hope that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Discussion with the Writing teacher also left me in doubts. Finally I was forced to decide that if in the next meeting, I still fail to explore the core riddle, I just have to resign from teaching the class. I just have to give up and admit that this time round I have failed. After all, there is no success without failure. Wednesday arrived and I dragged myself to class. I gave them their reading paper giving the remark that they scored the worst among the rest. They were depressed, I know. But have they ever thought about me having the same deep depression teaching them? At his point, I had no mercy. Why should I? After all, I treat people the way they treat me. I gave them one final word, if that day they failed to highlight to me the problem, that will the last time they see me in their class. I’m seriously DONE. Why should I care for people who do not care about themselves? Why should I worry about people who wouldn’t appreciate my worry? After less than 10 minutes silence, one by one student who held the guilt of making me annoyed and paranoid explained. Then, I realized, it was their assumptions that made me mad. It was their assumptions that made the class worsen day by day. It was their assumptions that made me make my assumption. After listening to their silenced voices, I was struck actually, struck with my ignorance and insensitivity. After I listened to this timid voices I realized, it was the matter of the heart. When I started to open my heart for them to open their heart, it is the one thing that I overlooked; Soalnya hati....
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